January of 2012 I will be 50 years old. So I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking and reminiscing about life lived and lost. There have been Good Times and Bad but I can't be sad about the bad because it has made me what I am today. I consider myself a pretty good egg that has come out of some terrible trials and tribulations and I'm still standing so what more can I ask for?

I want what most folks want I guess. I want to be respected, loved and appreciated. Most days I don't feel any of those except from one person and some would say well my goodness Zissy that should be enough for anyone. Yes I love my friend dearly and he has been there for me through the good, bad and ugly and I am very appreciative of that. It's the family that hurts so badly. I was raised in a conditional loving family and what that means is if you acted and did everything that you were told and didn't have a mind of your own then you were loved. If you strayed from their thinking then you were the black sheep.....ME in a nutshell. I didn't want to grow up hating I wanted to learn the differences in people and things and make up my own mind. Those times I did think about myself I guess I did it wrong in the eyes of some and now I am shunned or worse ignored.

So after another holiday season of disappointment and turning the Huge 50 I have decided to start living my life for me. Will it be easy? Of course not because I'm a people pleaser but I have to do this for my own well-being. I will depend on my Heavenly Father for the strength I will need to get through this and pray every moment that He won't let me fall back into the same old rut.  If I do fall I know that He will always be there to help me up but I also know that I have to find the strength within myself to do some things for myself.

Any way I hope this post didn't bum anyone out because that wasn't my intention. I just want to be happy whatever that that entails. I told my friend today that I was tired of being sick physically, mentally and emotionally and just want to be happy and I don't think that is too much to ask for...is it?

Hugs, Zissy